Okay, I need some comments... PRETTY PLEASE?

[Tidus Shuyin]

Okay, I'm with plan to send my story to Great Britain for publishing (at least try) So, I'm gonna post Prologue and 1. chapter for some comments. About grammar, don't worry ^^. I've got an perfect editor already. When the story will be ready, editing will start. So, just now some comments... I beg you.

Prologue

Sun was rising, revealing a small town, which was hidden after sun’s disappearing under horizon. People were starting get out of their beds and start their each-day movements, not even knowing their lives are going about to change.
Sky was without any clouds. When suddenly, thunder stroke from sky at the top of cliff, which was behind village. People looked scared. But their curiosity won and they started their way up to cliff, seeing what’s happening. Way for them wasn’t easy. No one had before tried to climb cliff. Just some kids, which were playing and pretending to be some adventure seekers. They were full of strength but people, who climbed now, were much older. Thunder didn’t stop striking. It stroke at the same place many more times. People were so afraid, that they started to head back the way they came but not everyone. One man was still standing on rock road. One man still was heading towards the top of cliff. It was elder of that village. He continued his way up cliff with his wooden stick, which while hitting against rock, makes a weak echo, which could be heard at bottom of cliff, where now everyone else were standing with their breath held and question in mind – what’s going to happen?
Elder finally was at top of cliff. As he saw, thunder was striking at the same place every time. Like some force has forced it to do so. Some strange marking could be seen there. Elder went closer to see it but came next and at same time final thunder strike. Power wave of it threw Elder backwards. When he looked at same place again, he had to cover his eyes. He was in middle of strange very bright light. All top of cliff was covered in it. Strange sounds could be heard and when they stopped, light disappeared, leaving behind large, white doors – gate. They were closing but in front of it was a basket. Elder got on his feet with the help of his stick and went to basket. In there was boy – sleeping. Elder took the basket and was ready to go back the way he came, when his attention drew gate. When it closed, writing started to appear at bottom right corner of it, with golden letters:

When planets will flow in one line
Boy will find strength within heart
The journey back to home land will start
For light to bring back

From that day, everyone’s life changed. Even village changed. And so, from here starts story of a boy, who will travel to search for truth of him.

[Tidus Shuyin]

Chapter 1

From that day had passed by 17 years. Now, everyone knew boy, who had been found in basket on top of the cliff and had made great changes to town. Yes, a Town, not Village anymore. After the Wonder, more and more people came to village to live in it. Place started to be too crowded, so, they had to make bigger village. Now, it is know as Toras – guardian town of white gates. Ones, who live here, are the secret keepers.
“No one from outside should know about boy and gates. Not any more.” These words were said by Elder. They had too much peoples there, so they forbid more people to come live in town. Passers by could visit, rest but not to live.
Gates were hidden by trees. Like a heaven gift, so at least thought peoples of town. Trees were starting to grow in front of cliff, hiding it. And at great speed! Usually it takes some 50 years for trees to grow. But these within 17 years had already like 50 years old ones!
Boy lived alone, at the end of town near the trees, which blocked view to cliff. He just showed up to help peoples when needed. What’s more, no one gave him name. Everyone was afraid, that something bad might happen if a name was given. They knew that he is coming from other place. They were sure of thing that he might have already named. But nor he nor other else knew that. Only some girl named Tali called him by name – John. When he got bigger, he was surprised of no one had called him in any name. But he got used to it. When girl showed up, he had to get used to be called John. Only Tali was brave enough, no one else. For them, he was just a boy. Each day he got called. Each day someone needed help from him. But for that, he got rewarded. He was getting money, food, clothes – everything, what’s needed for living normal. He even went to Town’s school! Only to make his time, as he said, fly faster. He could choose – go to school, or not. He of course said yes. He did homework, and helped others. Soon was his first look upon the white gate.
It was just an ordinary day. He had finished some work at his own home when he decided to do some walk. He went deeper into town when suddenly he heard someone crying.
“Hi there. Why are you crying?” Boy asked. The one, who was crying was a little girl. She was crying so bad, that she even didn’t heard boy’s question, so boy had to repeat his question, louder. This time she heard.
“I lost my kitten. He ran away and I can’t find him anywhere.” Girl replied.
“Don’t worry, I’ll try and find him.” Boy said and smiled. After that, he started to walk around Toras and search for lost kitten. Hard it was to find and he had already walked around town several times when suddenly, he spotted kitten going trough free spot, which was between 2 trees, nearby his house. He had to crouch trough the free spot to get to other side of trees. Then, he saw it. Cliff and kitten was running to top of it. He followed. He had never seen this place before. Or maybe he had seen? Something familiar was about this place but nothing came in mind as answer. So he continued his way till he finally got on top. Kitten was sleeping in front of white gate. And then, something strange happened: He for some seconds saw not kitten there, but basket with boy inside of it. He looked frightened. Then he something remembered. A fuzzy picture in his head.

He was on hands of woman. Woman was heading towards some kind of light. His eyes were half opened because he was ready to fall asleep. Woman said something to him, but he didn’t hear. He already was asleep. Last he felt was light’s wonderful touch.

He looked to kitten. It had reminded him something.
“What was that? Oh my god… was that a memory of mine or just mind was playing tricks with me. ” He didn’t understand nothing. He still was frozen. But then his look was upon white doors. He touched them and felt the warmth he had felt that day. He dragged his hand till the bottom of doors. And engraving in gold was there, shining bright in sun. Aloud he read it:

When planets will flow in one line
Boy will find strength within heart
The journey back to home land will start
For light to bring back

“What does this mean?” He asked to himself.
“So, you’ve found.” Voice said from behind. It was Elder.
“Found what?” Boy asked.
“Place, where we found you.” Elder replied

“17 years ago, we where just an ordinary village. Nothing important happened here, until the morning 17 years ago. We as usually were doing our daily routine when thunder started to strike from blue sky! Exciting, isn’t it? It was striking at same place for many times! I was the only one, who was brave enough to head on top of cliff and look. As I got here, thunder unleashed final strike, leaving behind a very extraordinary light! It was so bright, that I had to cover my eyes for a moment. And when I finally could see normal, I saw 2 things: First one, it was a boy in basket. Second one, these doors, with engraving showing up. Then, I took you down, hoping maybe to hear from you your part of story, before showing up here.” Elder finished his story with taking a deep breath.
“So, you want to say, that this boy… it’s me?” Boy asked.
“Yes. We don’t know even your name and we were afraid to give you one.” Elder replied.
“Well, the only thing I remember is, that I was on hands of woman..” He said.
“Hmmm… I think you were too small to even remember something. But it seems you have memories!” Elder said.
“This ki…” but he had to leave his sentence unfinished. Kitten was gone.
“What?” Asked Elder being little nervous.
“There was this kitten! It showed me way to here!” Boy said.
“I didn’t see any kitten here! You’re just only one here right now. Are you feeling alright? Maybe you should lie down?” Elder now was really worried, so as boy.
“Am I seeing things or what?” His mind was confused. He had just heard an absurd story.

Some meters away, someone was sitting in bushes and watching all the going on thing.
“I can’t let him return now! Now that our lord has power of over the Serrie, no one will destroy him and don’t crush our power! Not while I’m here to stop boy. If only I knew the word of his…” Was thing that was worrying someone in bushes. As quiet, as he could, he went back to town, making a plan for destroy kid.

[Chaser's Apprentice]

...Well. =OO, I'd first like to sayy that these are extreamlyy small chapters. If that's the entire thing...
'<LUV DANNY NORIEGA AND THE HOUSE TEAM>'

[Tidus Shuyin]

CA, On Word it's bigger.

[Chaser's Apprentice]

;OO, Yes. Two pages on Times New Roman, twelvve font. Not a lot. O-O; Imo.
'<LUV DANNY NORIEGA AND THE HOUSE TEAM>'

[Tidus Shuyin]

CA, that's just prologue and 1. chapter. I have already 5 chapters. Further they are longer.

[Miss Lockheart]

The storyline is very good though I must say, and I'll be ironing out the grammar etc. at some point too.

[Tidus Shuyin]

I know ^^ thanks Sam.

[Chaser's Apprentice]

You've made a habit out of excluding indefinate articles from your text.

D:
D:

[Tidus Shuyin]

Okay.

[kyo]

It's really good. Kinda like a Final Fantasy Beginning. I wish you good luck as you write this.

[Chaser's Apprentice]

...Nevver mind. O//O; That waz a grammer mistake. The,
When planets will flow in one line
Seems, =SS. Just a bit cliché.

[Miss Lockheart]

You've made a habit out of excluding indefinate articles from your text.

D:
D:

Care to elaborate on that? I'm sure it's a valid point but it's not fair to come out with something like that to a person who obviously doesn't speak English as his native language. Please be a bit more clear.

[Tidus Shuyin]

Okay, anyone more?

[Naminette]

Is this gonna be one of those stories when you don't reveal the main character's name until a certain climax occurs? I like it at a point where I want to keep reading, but at the same time I don't like it because there is little detail and not enough information is given to describe the setting more clearly.

[kyo]

Care to elaborate on that? I'm sure it's a valid point but it's not fair to come out with something like that to a person who obviously doesn't speak English as his native language. Please be a bit more clear.

I'd have to agree with you ML

I think CA is saying that Arthur is leaving out words that are referencing general topics and being very specific.

[Tidus Shuyin]

Okay, I've got till chapter 8. If I'll find some time, I'll post chapter 2 here.

[Miss Lockheart]

Big update!!!

Arthur finished his story and handed it to me so I could sort out the spelling and grammar and stuff. And I found a publisher that's interested in seeing the finished work :D

[kyo]

WOO HOO! Things are looking up.

But where's my copy T-T

[Miss Lockheart]

Want me to send it to you at some point? You can see what it's like before I've edited it ^^

[Tidus Shuyin]

Craig, if you would be so nice and get on your messenger...

[Naminette]

Dang! I want a copy of your book!! T-T