NOT FOR THE WEAK STOMACH PEOPLE

[Fran]

Okay, I want my piece of zombie gore writing to be perfect enough to make my friends and teachers think I'm psycho.

Here's what I have so far.

She was sneaking around the bloodsoaked halls, hoping that she wouldn't run into one of those "creatures" since she only had 3 bullets in her clip. Her heart was pounding. Everywhere she looked, she saw limbs that showed the muscle in parts that they had sank their teeth into. Her heart was pounding. There was a bloodsoaked corpse three feet away from her. At the moment, it wasn't moving. But, she knew it would be up and roaming around. She could just hear its moan, hungering to sink its teeth into her arm or leg. She stood there and thought.

After a couple of seconds, she decided she must continue. She slowly started toward it. She practically tip-toed. She held her gun, ready to fire. Her hands were shaking and her palms were sweaty. She didn't want to continue, but had to if she wanted to find her close friend, Shaun.

Started to think about Shaun as she got closer to see if she could forget about the corpse and just walk right past it. A smile grew on her face as she pictured his face. She had a secret crush on Shaun. If they both came out of this hell hole alive, she would tell him about her feelings. She took a nice big breath of rotting flesh smell and let it out with a gagging cough that had dragged her back down to reality. Her fear came back.

She was at the corpse now and was able to see everything. She decided to see where the corpse had been eaten at. She used the butt of her gun and pulled its shirt just about an inch up from its waist. The body had been munched on a little, revealing it's intestines and a couple of nerves that were tangled in the ripped flesh. She stumbles backwards, holding down her lunch. She then knew it was time to move on.

~I'll post up the part where she finds Shaun after a couple of posts about this.~

[Misuzu]

Nice so far, though in the first paragraph, you said the same sentence twice, "Her heart was pounding."

And might I suggest adding more surrounding details and merging sentences together? I feel like every sentence I read starts with She...She...It just gets kind of repetative. So just add more fluidity, and it'll look better. But if you edit it more, then this would be awesome. :)

[Fran]

Okay, thanks. Now...I have to think about a zombie eating someone scene....not telling who is going to be eaten though...

[Chaser's Apprentice]

;OO, You used the numeral '3' inn the first paragraph. It's fine, O//O; But I dunno. Imo, it should be written out. D:
'<LUV DANNY NORIEGA AND THE HOUSE TEAM>'

[Fran]

Thanks. I was stupid enough to not proof read it before putting it up. The next part will be up soon. I'm going to type it up in a word document program first. (Find other words for things in the thesaurus.)

[Sora Strife2?]

I always make that mistake of not proof reading it lmao But it's awesome, I love horror movies, stories, tales, etc. I can't wait for more.

[Fran]

She was sneaking around now and having even more trouble keeping her lunch down as she passed the mutilated corpses. She tried not to look at them, but for some reason, something made her look at their oozing insides. Her strength and endurance kept at a good level though and rose as she noticed how close she was to the room Shaun had said he was in. She knew that if she made it this far, she would be able to find him with no trouble at all.

Her footsteps got faster as her heart fluttered when she saw the door to the room Shaun was in. She reached toward the doorknob and turned it. The way she could see the door opened made it seem like she was in slow motion. As she walked into the place she called out his name, loud enough for him to most likely be able to hear, but quiet enough for it to not draw attention.

She heard a soft grunt from the corner of the room. There was a puddle of blood that was growing as she walked closer to it. She saw one of those creatures hovering over someone. She couldn’t see who it was, but could surely hear the smacking noise of the monster’s jaws tearing at his or her skin. She gagged as she moved to a different angle. Her eyes widened as she saw who it was. It was Shaun. He had become a victim of those bloodthirsty creatures.

She gasped and the creature turned to her at the sound of it. Shaun’s intestines were hanging out of its mouth. She could now see his body, torn open and ripped up. He seemed to have his eyes open and was hanging on. His organs weren’t destroyed yet, but were soon going to be. She stayed quiet. The creature went back to enjoying its meal. She started to cry as it sank its teeth into his intestines. She then got the courage to shoot it. She held the gun in her shaking hands and pulled the trigger, blowing brain matter and bone chips from its skull all over the walls. The creature slumped over.

She ran over, crouched down beside Shaun, and grasped his hand. Her tears fell onto his lukewarm hand, washing some of the blood off of it. She looked at him and knew that he was trying to stay alive just to see her for the last time.

“Laura,” He spoke with a raspy voice, “I know that I won’t be here for long. But, I want you to know that you’re the sister that I’ve always wanted. I protected you from everyone, but now it’s time for you to be strong and protect yourself.”

“No, no!” Laura cried out, “not now! You have to stay alive, you just have to. I’ll get help and they’ll cure you and tend to your wounds.”

Shaun slowly closed his eyes and his body went limp. He seemed to be fine for now. He was just a corpse at the moment. A corpse that had been ripped opened and had its guts torn out. Nothing would help him either. He had finally lost too much blood and was satisfied that he got to speak to Laura for the last time. He was happy that she was the last face that he had seen before his time was up.

Laura dropped his hand and sat next to his corpse crying. She had gotten through most of the nightmare alone, hoping that she would have someone beside her. Now, She had to continue it alone and heartbroken. She started to cry as she now knew that she wouldn’t have enough ammunition to make it until help came. She decided to sit there and think about a way out of here and avoiding all those bodies that were most likely now up and roaming around.

After a few minutes, her eyes got heavy and she wanted to sleep for a while. She decided to rest her head on Shaun’s shoulder, ignoring the fact that he could wake up and eat her at any moment. After a couple of seconds, she was dreaming. Her dream was great until she started to dream about a horrific event of where she was being torn up.

Laura woke up and found it to be true. She was now laying in a puddle of blood and Shaun was shredding her body up. She shrieked and cried as the pain shot through every nerve in her body. She looked at Shaun’s blood spattered face and settled down a little. She was happy that it was Shaun eating her and not someone she didn’t know.

Shaun finally reached her rib cage and snapped the bones. He aimed for the lungs and tore them up into pieces so that it would be easier for him to eat them. He had killed Laura a couple of minutes ago, but the inside of her was still warm, so he kept eating her. Shaun finished with the lungs and made his way to her heart. He ripped it out and took bites of it as blood squirted out of it. He tore out the other organs, leaving the brain.

After Shaun emptied her of her organs, he started to naw on her legs. The flesh made a dreadful smacking noise as it was torn off. He was having a great feast and nobody would deprive him of that privilege. Laura would soon become one of those creatures too.

[Sora's Shadow]

This had a lot of potential. You could have made it longer. It would have been a great story.

[Misuzu]

I agree. That second post was truly amazing, I loved how much detailing you put into this, despite the goriness. :D

You should try RPing, I think you'd really like it, and I think you'd be awesome at it too. =]

[Fran]

Wow, thanks guys! (and girls.) I do rp I just haven't found a good place to rp yet. I might turn it into a longer story once I get my laptop.
(The other people on the other forums would just flame this whole entire thread if I posted it up on there.)

[IndieJocky]

I really liked the second part. Much more detail. The second was very repetitious. And I agree you should make the story longer.

[Misuzu]

Why would other people flame you? o.o

[Fran]

Just on the other forum I rp on. Nobody really liked me and all the flamers would pick on me just to tick me off and make the mods lock up my threads. There were a bunch of those people.

[Sora Strife2?]

Aww, that's sucks, well you're welcomed here. :) I really liked the detailness of the second part and, like eveyone else said, you could have made it longer. This really does have alot of potential. :D lol