Akari MMS
01-30-2009, 10:42 PM
Hey there! ^^ I'm working on a random story. Uhm, i'm bad at summaries, but it involves agents and magic.
Uhm... ANyways, the first chapter does not read right to me, so any and all advice would be great! It's written in UK english, btw =3
---
It’s a curious thing you know. The supernatural. As a child you believe it’s real, but when you grow up you’re almost forced to deny it. But I know it’s real. Or at least parts of it. Vampires are simply cannibals. Lycans are Otherkin, or large wolves warped by imagination... But what about magic? Is magic a reality, or simply smoke and mirrors?
Fact or Fiction?
The simple answer?
Yes.
---
Chapter One: From One Life...
---
Gloomy would be the word for the day. The sky was grey. The buildings were grey. Even the people looked slightly grey, as though they lived in a black and white movie. It didn’t seem like it would be an interesting, or even slightly out of the ordinary, day.
It was just grey and plain.
Least, that was what the girl on the bus thought whilst listening to her music through headphones. She was watching everything pass by, it’s colour sucked away by the plain colour of the day.
Her name was Iona.
As she pushed her light brown hair away from her green eyes, she sighed. Iona looked concerned, and there was good reason for this. She was travelling into her college to collect her A level results, and she was worried. Despite being told she was clever, Iona felt that she had failed each and every one of her exams. For the first time in her life she wanted to be proven wrong.
The weather was grey, the typical British summer. The end of the typical British summer.
The bus stopped, breaking Iona’s trail of thoughts. Standing up, she brushed off her black and gold jacket and pushed her rimless glasses back up, before grabbing her shoulder bag and walking off the bus.
Not before she noticed him.
A man was watching her. Watching her so intently that it was almost as though he knew who she was...
Why? What was so amazing about Iona that this man’s deeply brown eyes seemed unable to look away from her? She suddenly felt vulnerable; had this man been watching her the whole time? She felt that she did not want to know the answer, and briskly walked off the bus.
She stopped and turned back as it drove off to see the man continue to watch her...until the bus disappeared from sight. Shaking her head, she walked the short distance to her college... though it felt like a mile.
---
‘She’s arrived.’
‘Roger that. Stay in the nearby area and await further orders. Over.
‘Understood.’
The man on the bus ended the call and closed his phone, before checking no one could have overheard him. No chance; he was the only one left apart from the driver, and he was too far away to hear loud conversation, let alone a hushed few words.
He took the liberty to sigh. This felt wrong to him, but he had no choice. At least he wasn’t part of the main operation.
He understood why this had to happen though. He had sensed it in her, even though she had never used it before. She pulsated with M.E. They needed her, just like they needed him.
..but would she want to help?
...
He would do his part. Destiny would decide what would happen.
---
There was a nervous crowd waiting outside the Sports hall, anxious to know if they had done enough. They had to wait though; the doors were locked for now. Iona was near the back and by now had resigned herself to the fate that she would not have passed. So she had put her MP3 player back on and was leaning against the wall. She looked calm. Really, she wasn’t, but her face even started grinning slightly as her favourite song came on.
‘ Oi! Iona!’
Oh no. It’s him. Iona decided to pretend that she hadn’t heard, and turned the music up louder. The sound of synthesized tones began to leak into the air.
Didn’t work; the guy just walked up to her and yanked one of the earphones off, before repeating himself.
‘ OI! IONA!’
Ignoring the fact that her ears were now ringing from this man’s loud and annoying voice, she smiled politely.
‘ Yes?’
‘ Why are you grinning?’
‘ Why not?’
‘ Cocky bitch. You think you’ve aced them then? Bet you do. Arrogant little-‘
‘ Actually’ Iona interrupted, lowering her headphones and pausing the song, ‘ I’m already resigned to the fate that I’ve probably failed miserably. But hey, unless it means another year with you then I’m not-’
‘ Bull! I’m not going to fail-’
‘Samson Griffin! No barging into the queue. I saw you just arrive, get to the back’ a teacher interrupted, a stern look on his face.
‘ Pfft. Fine. Enjoy another year, Roberts’ Samson spat, glaring at Iona before storming off.
‘Thanks sir’ Iona murmured, knowing that the teacher had already walked off.
...Great, now she was worried again. If she had to spend another year in this place, truth be told she’d probably snap. It was so clinging, so airless, so... utterly boring. She wanted to get to college so she could finally achieve her dream of being a journalist... but she needed those grades...
‘ Alright everyone. We’ll let you in in groups of five. Look for your folder in the room; they’re in alphabetical order. And don’t try to play jokes by switching them around; every page inside is named and numbered so it will be a bit of a waste of time. First ten in please.’
Leaning back against the wall, Iona sighed once more. She was near the back, and would have to wait longer. Still... her year was only 30 or so strong, so it wouldn’t be too long.
Hopefully.
---
‘ Next group of five!’
It had been only ten minutes, but it had to be the longest ten minutes of her life... but now she’d know. Walking inside, she saw the people who had already found their results. Some looked delighted, others disappointed. She hoped she’d be in the former category as she searched for her folder.
After a minute, she found it. Deciding that she wanted to find out in reasonable privacy, she walked to the other side of the sports hall and sat down. She breathed in and out, before opening the most important folder of her life.
English: A
Critical Thinking: A
Politics: B
Media Studies: A
...she had done it?
She read through the folder again, making sure she hadn’t made a mistake. It didn’t change. She had passed. She was going to university.
A huge sense of relief rushed through her. She felt like she was going to laugh with joy. So much stress for so long and she had passed. The grin returned to her face, only this time it was much more sincere.
‘ Next five!’
As the next five people came into the hall, Iona watched as Samson nervously looked for his folder. When he found it, he immediately tore it open and hastily flicked through.
‘ D WAS MY BEST GRADE?!’
Iona wasn’t the type to laugh at people’s misfortunes, but Samson had been horrible to her from the first day she had arrived at this college. He had always claimed she was an idiot, but well... judging by his reaction, it seemed that the reverse was true.
Ironic, she thought, laughing slightly as she took a notebook out of her bag and wrote down the results. Finally justice had been served. Seemed fair to her that this should be the final outcome.
Standing up, she tucked the notebook away and walked back to the tables to hand the folder back in. Unfortunately, Samson noticed her smile and stormed up to her.
‘ Well?!’
‘ Three A’s and a B. Well, I had no idea I’d pass, but I’d say I’ve done alright’ she replied, her polite tone re-appearing. ‘How about yo-’
‘ It doesn’t matter for me, Roberts’ Samson interrupted, smirking. His voice had changed into something more...sinister.
‘I’ve got confirmation.’
‘ Wha?’
‘ Iona, you’re coming with me.’
‘ What there... hell no!’
‘ You don’t have a choice.’
Grabbing Iona by the neck, his smirk grew into a gruesome grin.
‘ What are you doing Samson!’ A teacher shouted. ‘Stop this immediately!’
‘ I don’t take orders from you, sir’ he replied, turning to face the teacher. Suddenly, the air around Samson seemed to shimmer as all of a sudden the temperature rose.
Flames burst from the shimmer as the teacher tried to get Iona away, engulfing him.
Everyone else in the room began to panic and run outside; those left to get their results had run in to see what had happened, but then followed.
‘ What the hell is going on?!’
‘ Samson is doing this!’
‘ Iona’s stuck in there!’
‘ Who cares, just run!’
‘ How the hell are you doing this?’ Iona asked, struggling to get out of his grip.
‘ You don’t know?’
‘ If I did I wouldn’t be bloody asking now would I?’
‘ Heh... well well well... you’re not quite as smart as those results show then.. I guessed so.’
Samson’s grip tightened as the flames grew in size and ferocity, yet oddly the floor wasn’t even singed. In fact, nothing was being burnt. The flames were just... there.
‘Well guess what? It’s not my job to tell you. I doubt you could even begin to understand, let alone even use it’ he sneered, throwing her over the flames. Iona was sent flying straight into the nearest wall before she crumpled onto the floor in agony. Her right arm had broken on impact.
‘ Jesus Christ!’
‘ Oh, hurt are we? Tch, weakling. Get up.’
Trying to get up caused more spasms of pain to run through her body, but eventually she managed. She thought she was scared about her A level results? This was true fear. Samson walked over to her slowly, the flames licking gently at the walls, the floor, at anything in the way.
His eyes had turned red.
‘ Why do they even want you anyway? If you had M.E you would have used it by now. You’re kinda useless.’
‘ ....’
Iona’s fists clenched, and her eyes flashed violet.
‘ Are you going to use it now?’
‘ I don’t know what you’re talking about!’
‘Ahahaha... oh really?’
‘ I’d say “ya rly” but you probably wouldn’t get the reference’ Iona replied, wincing in pain.
‘ Hmph.. so you are useless then. Tch, there’s no point in you living then. M.E.H.I must have made a mistake. Wouldn’t be the first time. Ah well, more fun for me then!’
Running towards her, Samson’s fire rushed forwards with increasing intensity. The sports hall was suddenly shimmering with heat haze as the whole area was warmed up to an almost unbearable temperature.
Iona just managed to run out of the way of Samson’s crashing fist, perspiration already appearing on her forehead. She had to run as fast as possible. Get away from this burning person. Immediately she dashed for the door.
‘ Don’t even try it!’
Samson was there before she had covered half the distance.
‘ Why do you want me dead?’ Iona yelled, panic and anger clear in her voice.
‘ Why do you want to know?’ Samson replied, smirking.
‘ I think a dead girl walking has that right to know why she has to die.’
‘ Hmm... and? An idiot like you won’t get it. Die as you lived; stupid and ignorant’ he laughed, grabbing her unbroken arm and throwing her again. Landing on the floor with a painful crash, her vision became blurred as her head began to spin.
She was completely broken.
‘ Heh... that was enjoyable’ Samson sniggered, the flames dying away as he walked forwards with a swagger. ‘ Not much of a challenge though...’
‘ Ngh...ack.....you...’
Samson laughed. ‘ I’m amazed you’re even alive. Tch, stubborn bitch. If I were you I’d just let go now. Give up, else I’m going to have to enjoy extending your pai-’
His mouth was locked shut.
‘ Heh..’
Iona’s limp body was surrounded by a lavender glow.
Forcing his mouth open, he growled. ‘ No...’
‘ Heh...heheh.... heh....’
I was told that she would either...
No...
If she’s just-
Iona stood up, her broken body hanging limp as the purple energy lifted her off the floor, before spreading in thin tendrils towards Samson. They looked as though they were made of smoke, but Samson knew they were anything but.
Especially if the person controlling them is the person you were trying to kill.
‘ I will not be killed by you!’
‘Iii caannot... Iiii shhouuuld not...’ Iona’s voice replied, the tone almost electric, snapping with static.
‘ No!’
Samson’s flames burst from the air once more as he charged at Iona with his fist clenched. Slamming towards her, he hit a solid wall.
Iona’s head snapped up, violet eyes staring right into his blue.
And that was the last thing he saw before his neck was broken by the energy.
His body was dropped on the ground as Iona watched, tears running down her face. But a look of.... satisfaction was also on that face, almost as though she was smirking.
Landing gently on the floor, the energy faded from Iona as her eyes turned back to their usual green. Without the strange energy, her body could not support itself, so she collapsed to the floor. Someone new burst into the sports hall, hands in his pockets as he walked towards her. When he reached her, he crouched down, very slowly, very deliberately, and looked at her.
‘ Oh sweet Jesus.... what happened here?’
The last thing she saw...
Was the man with the brown eyes.
Uhm... ANyways, the first chapter does not read right to me, so any and all advice would be great! It's written in UK english, btw =3
---
It’s a curious thing you know. The supernatural. As a child you believe it’s real, but when you grow up you’re almost forced to deny it. But I know it’s real. Or at least parts of it. Vampires are simply cannibals. Lycans are Otherkin, or large wolves warped by imagination... But what about magic? Is magic a reality, or simply smoke and mirrors?
Fact or Fiction?
The simple answer?
Yes.
---
Chapter One: From One Life...
---
Gloomy would be the word for the day. The sky was grey. The buildings were grey. Even the people looked slightly grey, as though they lived in a black and white movie. It didn’t seem like it would be an interesting, or even slightly out of the ordinary, day.
It was just grey and plain.
Least, that was what the girl on the bus thought whilst listening to her music through headphones. She was watching everything pass by, it’s colour sucked away by the plain colour of the day.
Her name was Iona.
As she pushed her light brown hair away from her green eyes, she sighed. Iona looked concerned, and there was good reason for this. She was travelling into her college to collect her A level results, and she was worried. Despite being told she was clever, Iona felt that she had failed each and every one of her exams. For the first time in her life she wanted to be proven wrong.
The weather was grey, the typical British summer. The end of the typical British summer.
The bus stopped, breaking Iona’s trail of thoughts. Standing up, she brushed off her black and gold jacket and pushed her rimless glasses back up, before grabbing her shoulder bag and walking off the bus.
Not before she noticed him.
A man was watching her. Watching her so intently that it was almost as though he knew who she was...
Why? What was so amazing about Iona that this man’s deeply brown eyes seemed unable to look away from her? She suddenly felt vulnerable; had this man been watching her the whole time? She felt that she did not want to know the answer, and briskly walked off the bus.
She stopped and turned back as it drove off to see the man continue to watch her...until the bus disappeared from sight. Shaking her head, she walked the short distance to her college... though it felt like a mile.
---
‘She’s arrived.’
‘Roger that. Stay in the nearby area and await further orders. Over.
‘Understood.’
The man on the bus ended the call and closed his phone, before checking no one could have overheard him. No chance; he was the only one left apart from the driver, and he was too far away to hear loud conversation, let alone a hushed few words.
He took the liberty to sigh. This felt wrong to him, but he had no choice. At least he wasn’t part of the main operation.
He understood why this had to happen though. He had sensed it in her, even though she had never used it before. She pulsated with M.E. They needed her, just like they needed him.
..but would she want to help?
...
He would do his part. Destiny would decide what would happen.
---
There was a nervous crowd waiting outside the Sports hall, anxious to know if they had done enough. They had to wait though; the doors were locked for now. Iona was near the back and by now had resigned herself to the fate that she would not have passed. So she had put her MP3 player back on and was leaning against the wall. She looked calm. Really, she wasn’t, but her face even started grinning slightly as her favourite song came on.
‘ Oi! Iona!’
Oh no. It’s him. Iona decided to pretend that she hadn’t heard, and turned the music up louder. The sound of synthesized tones began to leak into the air.
Didn’t work; the guy just walked up to her and yanked one of the earphones off, before repeating himself.
‘ OI! IONA!’
Ignoring the fact that her ears were now ringing from this man’s loud and annoying voice, she smiled politely.
‘ Yes?’
‘ Why are you grinning?’
‘ Why not?’
‘ Cocky bitch. You think you’ve aced them then? Bet you do. Arrogant little-‘
‘ Actually’ Iona interrupted, lowering her headphones and pausing the song, ‘ I’m already resigned to the fate that I’ve probably failed miserably. But hey, unless it means another year with you then I’m not-’
‘ Bull! I’m not going to fail-’
‘Samson Griffin! No barging into the queue. I saw you just arrive, get to the back’ a teacher interrupted, a stern look on his face.
‘ Pfft. Fine. Enjoy another year, Roberts’ Samson spat, glaring at Iona before storming off.
‘Thanks sir’ Iona murmured, knowing that the teacher had already walked off.
...Great, now she was worried again. If she had to spend another year in this place, truth be told she’d probably snap. It was so clinging, so airless, so... utterly boring. She wanted to get to college so she could finally achieve her dream of being a journalist... but she needed those grades...
‘ Alright everyone. We’ll let you in in groups of five. Look for your folder in the room; they’re in alphabetical order. And don’t try to play jokes by switching them around; every page inside is named and numbered so it will be a bit of a waste of time. First ten in please.’
Leaning back against the wall, Iona sighed once more. She was near the back, and would have to wait longer. Still... her year was only 30 or so strong, so it wouldn’t be too long.
Hopefully.
---
‘ Next group of five!’
It had been only ten minutes, but it had to be the longest ten minutes of her life... but now she’d know. Walking inside, she saw the people who had already found their results. Some looked delighted, others disappointed. She hoped she’d be in the former category as she searched for her folder.
After a minute, she found it. Deciding that she wanted to find out in reasonable privacy, she walked to the other side of the sports hall and sat down. She breathed in and out, before opening the most important folder of her life.
English: A
Critical Thinking: A
Politics: B
Media Studies: A
...she had done it?
She read through the folder again, making sure she hadn’t made a mistake. It didn’t change. She had passed. She was going to university.
A huge sense of relief rushed through her. She felt like she was going to laugh with joy. So much stress for so long and she had passed. The grin returned to her face, only this time it was much more sincere.
‘ Next five!’
As the next five people came into the hall, Iona watched as Samson nervously looked for his folder. When he found it, he immediately tore it open and hastily flicked through.
‘ D WAS MY BEST GRADE?!’
Iona wasn’t the type to laugh at people’s misfortunes, but Samson had been horrible to her from the first day she had arrived at this college. He had always claimed she was an idiot, but well... judging by his reaction, it seemed that the reverse was true.
Ironic, she thought, laughing slightly as she took a notebook out of her bag and wrote down the results. Finally justice had been served. Seemed fair to her that this should be the final outcome.
Standing up, she tucked the notebook away and walked back to the tables to hand the folder back in. Unfortunately, Samson noticed her smile and stormed up to her.
‘ Well?!’
‘ Three A’s and a B. Well, I had no idea I’d pass, but I’d say I’ve done alright’ she replied, her polite tone re-appearing. ‘How about yo-’
‘ It doesn’t matter for me, Roberts’ Samson interrupted, smirking. His voice had changed into something more...sinister.
‘I’ve got confirmation.’
‘ Wha?’
‘ Iona, you’re coming with me.’
‘ What there... hell no!’
‘ You don’t have a choice.’
Grabbing Iona by the neck, his smirk grew into a gruesome grin.
‘ What are you doing Samson!’ A teacher shouted. ‘Stop this immediately!’
‘ I don’t take orders from you, sir’ he replied, turning to face the teacher. Suddenly, the air around Samson seemed to shimmer as all of a sudden the temperature rose.
Flames burst from the shimmer as the teacher tried to get Iona away, engulfing him.
Everyone else in the room began to panic and run outside; those left to get their results had run in to see what had happened, but then followed.
‘ What the hell is going on?!’
‘ Samson is doing this!’
‘ Iona’s stuck in there!’
‘ Who cares, just run!’
‘ How the hell are you doing this?’ Iona asked, struggling to get out of his grip.
‘ You don’t know?’
‘ If I did I wouldn’t be bloody asking now would I?’
‘ Heh... well well well... you’re not quite as smart as those results show then.. I guessed so.’
Samson’s grip tightened as the flames grew in size and ferocity, yet oddly the floor wasn’t even singed. In fact, nothing was being burnt. The flames were just... there.
‘Well guess what? It’s not my job to tell you. I doubt you could even begin to understand, let alone even use it’ he sneered, throwing her over the flames. Iona was sent flying straight into the nearest wall before she crumpled onto the floor in agony. Her right arm had broken on impact.
‘ Jesus Christ!’
‘ Oh, hurt are we? Tch, weakling. Get up.’
Trying to get up caused more spasms of pain to run through her body, but eventually she managed. She thought she was scared about her A level results? This was true fear. Samson walked over to her slowly, the flames licking gently at the walls, the floor, at anything in the way.
His eyes had turned red.
‘ Why do they even want you anyway? If you had M.E you would have used it by now. You’re kinda useless.’
‘ ....’
Iona’s fists clenched, and her eyes flashed violet.
‘ Are you going to use it now?’
‘ I don’t know what you’re talking about!’
‘Ahahaha... oh really?’
‘ I’d say “ya rly” but you probably wouldn’t get the reference’ Iona replied, wincing in pain.
‘ Hmph.. so you are useless then. Tch, there’s no point in you living then. M.E.H.I must have made a mistake. Wouldn’t be the first time. Ah well, more fun for me then!’
Running towards her, Samson’s fire rushed forwards with increasing intensity. The sports hall was suddenly shimmering with heat haze as the whole area was warmed up to an almost unbearable temperature.
Iona just managed to run out of the way of Samson’s crashing fist, perspiration already appearing on her forehead. She had to run as fast as possible. Get away from this burning person. Immediately she dashed for the door.
‘ Don’t even try it!’
Samson was there before she had covered half the distance.
‘ Why do you want me dead?’ Iona yelled, panic and anger clear in her voice.
‘ Why do you want to know?’ Samson replied, smirking.
‘ I think a dead girl walking has that right to know why she has to die.’
‘ Hmm... and? An idiot like you won’t get it. Die as you lived; stupid and ignorant’ he laughed, grabbing her unbroken arm and throwing her again. Landing on the floor with a painful crash, her vision became blurred as her head began to spin.
She was completely broken.
‘ Heh... that was enjoyable’ Samson sniggered, the flames dying away as he walked forwards with a swagger. ‘ Not much of a challenge though...’
‘ Ngh...ack.....you...’
Samson laughed. ‘ I’m amazed you’re even alive. Tch, stubborn bitch. If I were you I’d just let go now. Give up, else I’m going to have to enjoy extending your pai-’
His mouth was locked shut.
‘ Heh..’
Iona’s limp body was surrounded by a lavender glow.
Forcing his mouth open, he growled. ‘ No...’
‘ Heh...heheh.... heh....’
I was told that she would either...
No...
If she’s just-
Iona stood up, her broken body hanging limp as the purple energy lifted her off the floor, before spreading in thin tendrils towards Samson. They looked as though they were made of smoke, but Samson knew they were anything but.
Especially if the person controlling them is the person you were trying to kill.
‘ I will not be killed by you!’
‘Iii caannot... Iiii shhouuuld not...’ Iona’s voice replied, the tone almost electric, snapping with static.
‘ No!’
Samson’s flames burst from the air once more as he charged at Iona with his fist clenched. Slamming towards her, he hit a solid wall.
Iona’s head snapped up, violet eyes staring right into his blue.
And that was the last thing he saw before his neck was broken by the energy.
His body was dropped on the ground as Iona watched, tears running down her face. But a look of.... satisfaction was also on that face, almost as though she was smirking.
Landing gently on the floor, the energy faded from Iona as her eyes turned back to their usual green. Without the strange energy, her body could not support itself, so she collapsed to the floor. Someone new burst into the sports hall, hands in his pockets as he walked towards her. When he reached her, he crouched down, very slowly, very deliberately, and looked at her.
‘ Oh sweet Jesus.... what happened here?’
The last thing she saw...
Was the man with the brown eyes.