CURSE

[Rex]

just want to see how the Critics will rate this...part two will be posted shortly


Part One
Everyone knows that small towns always have big secrets

to keep from the world. Some only affect their

town….others effect the whole world. In the small town of

Spitfire a young boy will uncover a horrible secret about

the town him and his family moved to. The town holds a

secret that if ever let out to the world. The town would be

looked at as a cursed town. He must uncover the town’s

secrets…before the secrets ultimately…kill him. Rex walked

up to his new home as his mother and father stood behind

him. “Well son…I know the last time we moved I told you

it was going to be our last…but since the car company laid

me off…we had to move to this town…I’m sure my new job

as an accountant will work out. Your mothers even working

for the same company with me” his father said as he

smiled. “Yea…sure….whatever” Rex said as he listened to

his IPOD. His last school was more of a jail to him then

anything. He had no friends and hated school. After a

month of living in spitfire Rex made friends very quickly.

Monday morning Rex walked off to school. Since the town

only had about 500 people in it. The school was small. But

it still looked like a normal school. As he walked towards

the school a girl stood in front of her house and

smiled. “You’re late again” she said with a smile. “Oh shut

up Dizzy” Rex said as he sighed as the two walked to

school. “You know you didn’t have to wait for me” Rex

said. “Yes I did….you would do the same…right” Dizzy

said. “Actually….I’d leave your ass if you where late” Rex

said. “What! But I wait for you…your so mean” She said.

Rex started laughing as he smiled. “Oh come on Dizzy…do

you really think I wouldn’t wait for you” Rex said

smiling. ‘well…well….look what the cat coughed up”

another girl said smiling as she smacked Rex in the

back. “Hi Mimi” Rex said as he felt the sharp pain in his

back. “So…how do you like the town so far” Mimi

asked. “It’s alright I guess…its kind of small….and there’s

not a lot of nice looking girls around here” Rex said. “Hay”

Mimi and Dizzy yelled. Rex laughed at them as they

walked into the small school yard. “You two are so easy to

make fun off” Rex said laughing. “You’re not very nice”

Dizzy said. “I’m 18….what do you expect” Rex said

laughing. “So….Dizzys 18…and I’m 19….how dose age

have anything to do with it” Mimi asked. “Why do you

always have to ruin all the fun” Rex asked. “Oh that’s

right….Rex can you come with me after school” Dizzy

asked. Rex figured she had homework that she needed

help with….in fact every time she asked him to help her

he’d end up doing all of it. “Sure Dizzy…I have nothing

better to do” Rex said. After the school day ended Rex,

Dizzy, and Mimi all walked home together. “So…what’s this

thing you wanted to show me” Rex asked. “It’s over here”

Dizzy said as she pointed to a hill. When the three got

there the hill looked over a huge field filled with flowers.

How did I know it was going to be something girly Rex

thought as he sighed. “Look at all the flowers” a man said

as he took a picture of the field. Rex jumped as the man

laughed. “Sorry about that kid…names Chris Yamato” Chris

said smiling. “Rex…where going to go pick some flowers…

ok” Dizzy said as she grabbed Mimi’s hand and pulled her

towards the field. “Hay…I don’t want to pick

flowers….Dizzy….are you even listening to me….DIZZY!”

Mimi said. “They look so happy…considering the field there

has a tragic story” Chris said. “What do you mean” Rex

asked. “You mean you never herd about it” Chris

asked. “I’ve only been in this town for a month” Rex

said. “Well….your two friends already know what

happened” Chris said. “What do you mean” Rex

asked. “Whoa…it’s that time already….got to go kid…see

yea” Chris said as he ran off to his car. What could have

happened to make this field full of colorful flowers

resemble tragedy Rex thought. As the three walked home

Rex was still thinking about what Mr. Yamato had

said. “Hay…guys…has anything happened in this town…like

someone dying” Rex asked. “Well of course…a lot of people

who live here are old…so yea” Mimi said. “Well…has

anyone been murdered here” Rex said. The two stopped as

rex looked at them. “What’s wrong” Rex asked. “No…no

one has ever been murdered” Dizzy said. “You guys are

acting weird” Rex said. “Never mind that…who was that

guy you were talking to” Mimi asked. “Oh…Mr. Yamato…

he’s a photographer for the local news paper…why” Rex

asked. “I knew he looked familiar” Dizzy said. “Ok…you

two are freaking me out” Rex said. That night Rex couldn’t

sleep. He thought about Mr. Yamatos words and how Mimi

and Dizzy where acting. He finally got up and turned on

the computer and looked up the town. After looking for

about a few hours he found an article about the town. “No

way” Rex said as he read the article. Town of spitfire might

be destroyed for new highway. Business owners of the

highway want to destroy the small town to make a

highway the connects the cities of Chrono and High city.

Town’s people shocked that mayor of town is powerless to

stop the demolition of spitfire. Day of the demolition the

owner of the highway found chopped in to pieces. Left side

of skull still missing to this day…the date of the

killing….the day after the festival of time. Rex finished

reading the article and could believe his friends where

keeping this secret from him. “But…what is the festival of

time” Rex said as he thought. The next morning Rex,

Mimi, and Dizzy all walked to school “Hay….what’s the

Festival of time all about” Rex asked. “Oh…that’s a festival

where we give thanks to Sora” Mimi said. “Sora” Rex

asked. “Oh yea…we forgot your still new…the festival of

Time is where we praise the Spirit of Time. Sora for giving

us a long and healthy time period” Dizzy said. “Dizzy’s

Family is the family that guards the shrine of time where

the festival takes place…she the shrine madden there”

Mimi said. “ It’s also said that the Festival of time is also a

curse” Dizzy said. “A cures….you mean like people dying or

disappearing” Rex said. “I’m not sure…but I’ve never herd

anything like that” Mimi said. These two are keeping

something from me…I know it…Mr. Yamato might know

something Rex thought. “That’s right doesn’t the festival

start soon” Rex said. “Yea…it’s a week from today” Dizzy

said. Not a lot of time to find things out Rex

thought. “What are you thinking about Rex” Dizzy

asked. “Oh….nothing” Rex said. “You’re lying” Dizzy

said. “What makes you say that” Rex asked. “What where

you looking up last night on the computer” Mimi asked.

How….how the hell do they know about yesterday…where

they watching me…but how Rex thought. “I was never on

the computer last night….I’ve got to get to class” Rex said

as he ran to his class. “He’s keeping things from us Mimi”

Dizzy said. “He’s acting just like Sunny…we might have to

eliminate him” Mimi said as the two smiled. Rex sat in his

class and stared out the window “Mr. Darkheart….your

wanted in the office” his teacher said. Rex got up and

walked to the office. The lady at the desk smiled as she

pointed to the phone. Rex picked it up. “Hello” Rex asked

over the phone. “Yo….it me Chris” Chris said. “Oh….Mr.

Yamato…why are you calling me at school” Rex asked. “We

need to talk…can we meet at the hill over looking the

flowers…I need you to come alone…that means those two

girls can’t come” Chris said. “Alright…I’ll meet you after

school…ok” Rex said. “Alright….oh and one more

thing….everything we talk about…it between us…know one

else can know” Chris said before he hung up. Is there

something wrong…I mean he’s asking me to come alone…

why is everyone acting weird today…first it’s Mimi and

Dizzy…now it’s Mr. Yamato…wait….was it because of what I

saw in that article…dose everyone know about that Rex

thought as he walked out of the office. After school rex

went to the hill the over looked the field to find Chris

taking pictures of it. “So…what’s up Mr. Yamato” Rex

asked. “Please…call me Chris…anyway…did you find out

yet” Chris asked. “About the murder…yea….Dizzy and Mimi

have been acting strange all day” Rex said. “You do know

that the festival of time is coming up…right” Chris

said. “What’s that got to do with the murder” Rex

asked. “Every night…after the festival of time for five

years….someone has died after the festival” Chris

said. “What…how can that be” Rex said. “Each chase…had

a similar story. Each person that was killed…was part…or

funded the construction of the highway…the first person

was the owners brother…he fell to his doom after falling of

the side of his truck and landing on a huge spike impaling

himself. His wife went mission after that. The second one

happened when a woman was found in a lake…she had

drowned…a lot of people called it suicide until they found

part of a knife in her chest. The third happened when a

man was found beaten to death…and just last year a man

was found in front of the shrine completely skinned alive”

Chris said. “But…those are only four” Rex said. He

suddenly remembered that the owner was found cut up

into pieces after the festival. “Now do you know….ever one

here calls it the curse of Sora…the time goddess…they

actually believe that a spirit is actually killing these

people” Chris said. “What dose that have to do with me”

Rex asked. “Well your two friends…they're connected to

the murders….for you see…your friends where all seen with

the victims…at the festival” Chris said. “What” Rex said?

He felt his heart skip a beat. Could it be coincidence that

they where with them….or…did they actually Rex

thought? “I’m telling you this because…there’s a small

shack behind the shrine in the woods…we might find the

answers in that shack” Chris said. “So…are you asking me

to help you” Rex asked. “Only if your willing to…if your

not…I wont force you” Chris said. This town has a huge

history of people dying for no reason…and Mimi and Dizzy

are in the middle of it…if they are the killers…then I might

be next Rex thought as he felt his heart skip a beat

again. “Alright….on the night of the festival…we’ll brake

into the shack and find what we can…I want to know the

truth behind this” Rex said. “Alright….see you then” Chris

said as he walked away. Why me…what’s so special about

me…is it because I uncovered that article…or is it because

I’m friends with them…or maybe…no they can’t be that

crazy Rex thought as he started to walk home. Rex walked

past Mimi’s house. When he walked by Dizzy’s she was

waiting out side. “Dizzy…what are you doing here” Rex

asked. “I wanted to come by and give you some super…

here” Dizzy said as she handed a box to him. “I made

three different burgers…can you tell me if they’re any good

tomorrow” Dizzy asked. “Sure” Rex said as he took the

box. “See you tomorrow” Rex said as he walked

home. “Yea…see you tomorrow” dizzy said as she

smiled. “Wow….these look good” Rex said as he took the

first burger and bit into it. He suddenly felt a sharp pain in

his mouth as he spat the burger back out. His eyes

widened as saw a sowing needle in the meat of the burger.

He suddenly grabbed the second burger and cut it open.

The beef was filled with broken glass. The last one had

Green ooze dripping out of the Beef. She…she tried to kill

me….I can’t trust them anymore Rex thought as he

through the burgers away. He couldn’t sleep that night. He

felt like someone was watching him.

[Rex]

Part Two

Rex walked a different way to school that morning. He didn’t want to

even see Mimi or Dizzy. I wont let them win so easily…if

they want to kill me….I’ll put up a fight…it’s like the

wild….kill…or be killed Rex Thought suddenly he herd a car

behind him. He looked back then in a spit second jumped

out of the way as the car zoomed past. Someone’s trying

to kill me…I wont give up that easily…I’ll fight this…I

survive and I’ll make sure they get what’s coming to them

Rex thought. As he walked into school he didn’t see Mimi

or Dizzy that day. He was a little relived…and a little bit

scared. If I don’t see them…then that means their waiting

to jump…or they are trying to make me paranoid…either

way…I’ll fight this Rex thought. After school Rex walked

home. He was glade not to see those two…but his luck ran

out when he stopped. He looked at Dizzy who was in front

of him. He eyes widened as he saw what was in her left

hand. A huge Machete. “Why didn’t you walk with us to

school today” Dizzy asked. “I….I wanted to go a different

rout” Rex said. “A different rout…don’t you know its

dangerous to walk alone…you could get hit” Dizzy said as

she slowly walked towards him. Dose….did she tell that

car’s owner to try and run me over…what ever the case…

she’s psycho Rex Thought. “What did Mr. Yamato talk to

you about yesterday” Dizzy asked. She…she was watching

us wasn’t she…she knows that I know about the murders

Rex thought as he slowly walked backwards. “What’s

wrong Rex…are you scared of little old me” Dizzy asked

looking insane. “N…no…I just have to get home” Rex

yelled as he ran away from her. “You can’t run forever

Rexxy…Sora’s will find you…and she will punish you” Dizzy

said laughing. Rex ran inside his house and slammed the

door and locked it. His parents weren’t home yet so he was

all alone. Not something he wanted to be right now. The

phone started to ring. He figured it was him mom telling

him she’d be home late. “Hello” Rex said as he picked up

the phone. “So…did you like the burgers me and Dizzy

mad for you” Mimi asked over the phone. Rex dropped the

phone and felt his whole body shack. They really are after

me…what did I do to make them come after me…how did

this happen Rex thought as he herd Mimi laugh in the

phone. “Sora will find you…and when she dose…you’ll end

up like all the rest” Mimi said laughing as she hung up.

Rex picked up the phone and hung it up. They really are

crazy…they think that Sora is asking them to kill me…

me!...well it’s not going to matter. I’ll find out what’s

going on and when I do…I’ll prove that curses don’t exist

Rex thought. The night of the festival Rex meet up with

Mr. Yamato and both walked to the shack. “What do you

thinks actually in there” Rex asked. “I don’t know but we

are about to find out” Chris said as he opened the shack.

Their eyes widened as the saw the room filled with torcher

tools. “Look at them all…what dose this mean” Rex

said. “That the shrine is killing people who funded the

construction of the highway….look at these tools….if they

haven’t been used in years….then why is there fresh blood

on them” Chris said. Rex placed his hand on one of the

tools no way….even if these tools where old…why is the

blood still a little bit warm…is Mimi and Dizzy part of this

Rex thought as he felt his heart skip a beat. Chris took a

few pictures of the tools the take with him. “Alright….let’s

go…we have to leave before anyone finds us” Chris said.

Rex nodded and followed Chris back outside. The next

morning Rex still could see the tools in his mind. He felt

that Mimi and Dizzy where really up to something. He

went down stairs and found the news paper on the table.

He stopped as he saw the news article in the front page.

He grabbed the paper and read the article. Local

photographer Chris Yamato was found dead today on the

side of the road. Police say that Chris was walking back

from the festival when a car had past by and a person in

the car slammed Chris in the back of the head with a

baseball bat killing him instantly. “No way…was it because

we found the secret….am…am I next….no….I wont be the

next victim…I’ll be the savior” Rex said. since it was

Sunday he didn’t have to worry about seeing Mimi or

Dizzy. But he felt he had to see them. He walked over to

the shrine to find Dizzy and Mimi waiting for him. “Some

how we knew we’d see you again Rex” Dizzy said

smiling. “Yea…yea…cut the chit chat….we need to talk” Rex

said. “Yes…why don’t you come in” Mimi said. the three

walked into the shrine and sat down. “would you like some

tea” Dizzy asked. “no…I’m good” Rex said. “but I made it

myself” Dizzy said. “That’s the whole point” Rex

said. “look…I didn’t come here to play games or to talk as

friends…I came to find the truth…did you kill Mr. Yamato”

Rex asked. “What…did we….no….no!...why would we” Mimi

said. “you can cut this little BS story of yours…I know

about the murders…and how you’re all connected to them…

plus I know the shrine has been helping you two kill

people who funded the construction of the highway” Rex

said. Mimi laughed. “how wonderful…how wonderful…you

figured it out…but the shrine is only helping Sora….and so

are we…Sora has called to us to kill them” Mimi said

laughing. “So why dose Sora want me dead then” Rex

said. “Because Sora hates outsiders” Dizzy

said. “Well….take me to where you keep all the bodies

then” Rex said. “Why should we” Mimi asked. “Easier to

kill me and dump me” Rex said. “Fine…Dizzy…you stay

here…I’ll take Rex to where we keep the bodies” Mimi said

as she got up. She took him to the shack and went behind

it and opened a door that looked like it lead down into a

huge basement. Rex followed her down the stairs until

they reached the bottom. She turned on the light. Rex felt

every part of his body do numb. The walls were covered

with blood and hanging body parts. People where hanging

in the ceiling with there skeletons pulled out of their

backs. “Hello….is anyone there” a Voice said from one of

the cells. “Who’s that” Rex asked “My younger sister

Sunny” Mimi said smiling. “what” Rex said as he ran to the

cell and saw a young girl laying on the ground. “Don’t

worry….I’ll get you out of here” Rex said. “what…who are

you” Sunny asked. “How will you get her out….your

trapped her with me” Mimi said laughing. Rex

smiled. “Didn’t you think it was a little strange for me to

ask you to take me to the dead bodies” Rex said smiling as

he looked at her. “what ever your planning….it wont work…

I’m faster then you” Mimi said laughing. “Are you faster…

then a bullet” Rex said as he pulled a gun out of his

pocket. “you see…I figured if I came her you would kill

me…so I brought this with me” Rex said as he opened the

cell door. Sunny limped out and looked at her sister. “who

cares if you run away now…I’ll only find you sooner or

later” Mimi said smiling. “Sunny…..go up stairs and get

away” Rex said. “Right” Sunny said as she ran up stairs.

Mimi smiled. “big mistake” she said as Rex felt s sudden

pain in his head as he fell to the ground unconscious. Rex

saw Mimi leaning over his body with a chain saw in her

hand. “What will we chop off first” Mimi said as she started

the motor of the chain said. Rex sat up in the hospital bed

screaming. He looked around. He was shocked to even find

himself there. The cop jumped as he screamed and looked

at him. “So…you finally woke up” the cop said. “W…where

am I” Rex asked. “the hospital. We found you under the

shrine after Sunny called us” the cop said. “What about

Mimi and Dizzy” Rex asked. “Well…Dizzy attacked some of

my men with a Machete so we had to use deadly force” the

cop said. good…one psycho bitch gone Rex thought as he

sighed. “and Mimi” Rex asked. “Well….that’s what I

wanted to talk about…are you sure Mimi was the one that

tried to kill you” the cop asked. “Yea…Sunny was captured

by her as well” Rex said. “Well…when we searched the

place under the shrine…we found a well with 20 or 30

bodies in it…the last body under all the others was a burnt

body….we did some tests…and found that the body

belonged to Mimi….according to the tests….she

died….three years ago” the cop said. Rex felt his hair stand

on end w….what…if she was dead for three years….then

who was that I was talking to all this time…is it true….is

the curse real…or…..was the time spirit Sora…nothing

makes sense anymore Rex thought. A few days later Rex

was et out of the hospital. He was home when it started

raining. His parents had called and told him they where

working late. He was eating some rice when the phone

Rang. He picked it up. “Hello” Rex said. “One Two I’m

coming for you…Three Four better lock the door” a voice

said over the phone. “Nice try…..who is this” Rex

said. “you thought you could escape….you thought you

could live….but my vengeance will always follow you”

Mimi’s voice said as she laughed through the phone. Rex

dropped the phone and felt every part of his body fill with

fear. He looked behind him to see Mimi holding a cell

phone…and a butcher knife. She suddenly ran at him. He

screamed as he felt his body jump up and the cold sweet

ran down his face. his parents looked at him from the front

of the car. “What’s the matter with you” his mother asked.

He was still in the car with his family as they drove into

the new town they were going to live in. “Here we are…the

new town we are staying” his father said as they stopped

in front of their new house. It…it was all a dream….or a

nightmare…so….I’m still alive Rex thought as he took a

deep breath of relief. “Hello there….you must be new to

this town…welcome” two voices said from behind them.

Rex turned and his heart jumped like it just got

shot. “thank you very much ladies” Rex’s dad said to Mimi

and Dizzy.

End

[Yoyocool]

Hey i read the story and i wanted to say i like how the ending went. Even though it was all a dream then turning into deja vu is something thats been done ^^

But really, that's all the good thing i have to say. This is a story that probably needs at least 3 times the amount of words just for character development to stand up on its own.

The story itself was very thin and at parts boring. Then there was a dire lack of descriptive words to spice things up. Even the three iconic locations (the field of flowers, the shrine, and the basement) seem to me sorely, lacked imagination.

There was much to be improved on but for what its worth, the ending made up for the time spent reading this.

Btw, the format it is in made it unreadable. Why would you center it that way?

I had to used speedster to read it to finally get to reading it but i digress.

What I recommend is to just basically use this as your rough draft and start editing. Start with fleshing out your characters more and use more captivating vocabulary. Then expand the ideas presented in each of your scenes and it'll do just fine.

P.S: I'll be eagerly awaiting to see the revised edition ^^

[ZombiGirl]

Well, I have to give you credit for doing something a little different. The centre-allign was working pretty well for a little bit, it added a certain tension to it, but I think that technique would be more used to a shorter piece.
The whole thing had a strange, twilight zone kind of feel, and I like that.
The ending 'it was all a dream' was honestly a let down. I'm sorry, but it's the oldest trick in the book.

You need to work a little on the 'description-speech-action' balance, but his looks worse than it is due to the structure. It also felt a little hurried; almost like this was just a preview, a long blurb.
Nevertheless, I like the concept. I'd like to see this in a more conventional style, with a tad more time and care spent on it. It has potential, certainly.

[Yoyocool]

Agreed with the above but at least it was a well played old trick ^^

I must say this also needs to be proof read a lot. There is many Grammar errors that need attention.

[fallenxangel]

It's good but seems like there wasn't enough time an thought put in it. There are many grammar errors and the format made it hard to read. There also wasn't enough description. You should also build up your characters more. Without good understanding of the characters the story seems plain and readers don't connect with it, making them uninterested. Once you work on it a bit I think it will be a great story :)

[Rex]

Thank you all for helping me....but there are a few things I have to confirm. the first is....it was actually rushed...I was on an Air plan when I was typing it and my lab top was running out of power so sorry about that....but when I have an Idea and I don't write it down...I lose it completely and secondly.....this one might piss a lot of you off...it's only the first part of the story...there's more to come. Once again thank you all for helping me and the finished product will be out soon