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Sora920
07-01-2007, 12:36 AM
The Awakening of a Hero Chapter 1

The boy woke up one day in Hollow Bastion.

"Where am I?" the boy asked himself. He just suddenly appeared out of nowhere. All of a sudden a dark portal appeared infront of him. Xemnas walked out of it.

"Hello there, little boy!" all of a sudden turning into a mean voice. He pulled out both of his laser swords and started swinging at the boy. He jumped back to dodge the attack.
"Why do you run from me, Krixu, when you have nowhere else to go?" Xemnas said. All of a sudden, Mickey appeared infront of the boy to block Xemnas' attack.
"The King. What a pleasant surprise," Xemnas says swinging his swords at Mickey. Mickey blocked them all and countered Xemnas' attack, knocking him back.

"What do you wish to do with Krixu?" Mickey asked Xemnas.

"What? Krixu?" Krixu said (the boy).

"Yes, that is your name my friend." Xemnas said.

"By the way you're acting, I don't think you're much of a friend to me!" Krixu said back at Xemnas.

"You wretched fool! What kind of Superior are you?!" Xemnas said slashed one sword at him in full thrust. Krixu, with know time to react puts his hands in front of the sword as if to block the attack. Out of nowhere, Mickey dives infront of Xemnas and blocks the attack with his keyblade. "That's it, I have no meaning to fight you!" Xemnas said creating a dark portal under Mickey. Mickey then disappears into the portal.

"Mickey no!!!" Krixu shouted while to portal slowly devoured Mickey. Then, Krixu turned back only to see Xemnas' laser sword crash right into his shoulder. Krixu then passed out and everything turned pitch black...




Comment if you wish to here more. By the way this is my first story and I'm just coming up with this on the spot lol.:)

Chaser's Apprentice
07-01-2007, 12:39 AM
I dislike your beginnig, "...woke up in Hollow Bastion." That's VERY descriptive ;). The you say "...Xemnas came out of it." Wooooow ;). Always be descriptives, do that with nouns, adjectives, and adverbs. Use them in metaphors and similies. Plus, you need better vocabulary "...all of a sudden turning into a mean voice". I'm writing a book series, I want to post it here, but it's too long
- GO DEMYX AND LUXORD

Sora920
07-01-2007, 12:42 AM
I dislike your beginnig, "...woke up in Hollow Bastion." That's VERY descriptive ;). The you say "...Xemnas came out of it." Wooooow ;). Always be descriptives, do that with nouns, adjectives, and adverbs. Use them in metaphors and similies. Plus, you need better vocabulary "...all of a sudden turning into a mean voice.". I'm writing a book series, I want to post it here, but it's too long
- GO DEMYX AND LUXORD

Understood. Alright Yeah I need to work on that. Then again I'm only 12.

Chaser's Apprentice
07-01-2007, 12:50 AM
When Xemnas is "swinging at the boy." You should be descriptive, his sabors are swinging at the boy. And so you say, "He jumped back..." Who's jumping back? Krixu. You've said "All of a sudden" twice in less than 3 sentences apart, avoid those crutch words or phrases. "...only to see Xemnas's lasor sword hit him." I don't feel any action or anything, it sound like Xemnas just tapped him on the shoulder or something. Please tell me you're changing your ending.
- GO DEMYX AND LUXORD

Sora920
07-01-2007, 01:09 AM
In what way? Completely, or just change it so it's more descriptive?

Chaser's Apprentice
07-01-2007, 01:24 AM
Well it says Krixu "...turned back only to see Xemnas' laser sword hit him." That was strange, it sounded as if Xemnas just hit him very lightly. Then "Everything for Krixu turned black..." Which means he passed out? So, I suggest altering it, you can still keep the "Krixu getting hit by Xemnas's sabors" concept.
- GO DEMYX AND LUXORD

Sora920
07-01-2007, 01:41 AM
Okay, I edited the ending.......a little bit...If there's anything else you want me to change, please tell me so I can improve.

Chaser's Apprentice
07-01-2007, 02:33 AM
The only thing left is to follow those tips ;).
I'm gonna go post my book in another thread, one page at a time, this'll take long...
- GO DEMYX AND LUXORD