Chaser's Apprentice
07-03-2007, 02:23 AM
I'm gonna post my book here, I want feedback and critisism for it. I'm currently working on a second book, so it'll take long to post my ENTIRE first book. Lessee, there are, like, fifteen paragraphs a page, I'm posting, like, five a post, that's three posts for a page from a book worth 440 pages. That's 1320 posts, soooo...*Dies* And while this literature section's here, I gonna be grading some things you have, so far they haven't been looking up. Though, my first few paragraphs are probably worse or just as bad, so if you read this and hate it, I can't give your five minutes back, sorries! I'll have to eat those five minutes, 'cause I'm HUNGRY! ;)
Cristergery: Passage Shattering
Chapter One
Awaiting for a Friend
“If Nothing truely is Something, what exists if existence is naught? You are mere oblivion, black light that IS in fact existence's naught.”
- Xalmyn
Saturday, January 20, 2662, 7:34 A.M.
A brilliant moon peering over the clouds afar reflected upon the mirror that was the Curicon Sea.
Preo monitored the spacious ocean, viewing the several waves racing along the lucid glaze of water. It appeared as if they were withdrawing from the icy brutality piercing the sky.
He bobbed his head down and gazed into the face of the wooden wharf beneath him like he were lovesick. Its crusty skin and detached portions cautioned Preo before he stepped. He peaked into a vast tear beneath him. Llypreo witnessed his reflection echoing his depressed gaze in the shallow water. It was a rippled gaze of tanned skin and his blond hair swinging in such blustery weather.
A concoction of color was painted into the surface of the sea. The vibrant brilliance trembled in dismay of the weeping winds. The multicolored tempest swam impatiently throughout the ocean, welcoming him courteously.
Cyndre reclined on a decaying log upon the several dunes of sand. His hand skimmed across it; it felt very firm and jagged. He studied Preo in his seclusion. Teryan's lateness concerned Preo harshly. The truth is that Cyndre was also concerned if Teryan was safe. He merely glanced at Preo's desolation then turned back and stared into the ocean, envisioning her return.
“Only a fool could have much hope now.” Cyndre said, not even glancing at the responsive expression on Preo’s face. “You can’t seriously think Teryan will be coming any time soon? We should be getting home before we’re caught staying out all night.” Cyndre attempted lifting himself from his decayed stool beneath him. His strength was diminished from the time-consuming wait for Teryan. At his attempt, Preo forged an appearance of disregard, simply continuing a solemn gaze into a rich pool of water.
“Well then?” Cyndre asked, “I’m taking the car home and if you’re not coming than I’m leaving without you!”. While walking, he prolonged a routine of peeping back and expected that he would see his brother behind him as he stepped toward his crimson car. However, Preo remained among his little depressed pier. And even after following through a process of checking his vehicle’s oil and tire pressure, Preo didn’t budge.
Like it? Hopefully the vocabulary didn't overwhelm you and them cause you to collapes and die, *Dies more*. So give me the feedback-y things and critisism-y things, okay? Okay, I insist, goodbye, *Dies*
- GO DEMYX AND LUXORD
Cristergery: Passage Shattering
Chapter One
Awaiting for a Friend
“If Nothing truely is Something, what exists if existence is naught? You are mere oblivion, black light that IS in fact existence's naught.”
- Xalmyn
Saturday, January 20, 2662, 7:34 A.M.
A brilliant moon peering over the clouds afar reflected upon the mirror that was the Curicon Sea.
Preo monitored the spacious ocean, viewing the several waves racing along the lucid glaze of water. It appeared as if they were withdrawing from the icy brutality piercing the sky.
He bobbed his head down and gazed into the face of the wooden wharf beneath him like he were lovesick. Its crusty skin and detached portions cautioned Preo before he stepped. He peaked into a vast tear beneath him. Llypreo witnessed his reflection echoing his depressed gaze in the shallow water. It was a rippled gaze of tanned skin and his blond hair swinging in such blustery weather.
A concoction of color was painted into the surface of the sea. The vibrant brilliance trembled in dismay of the weeping winds. The multicolored tempest swam impatiently throughout the ocean, welcoming him courteously.
Cyndre reclined on a decaying log upon the several dunes of sand. His hand skimmed across it; it felt very firm and jagged. He studied Preo in his seclusion. Teryan's lateness concerned Preo harshly. The truth is that Cyndre was also concerned if Teryan was safe. He merely glanced at Preo's desolation then turned back and stared into the ocean, envisioning her return.
“Only a fool could have much hope now.” Cyndre said, not even glancing at the responsive expression on Preo’s face. “You can’t seriously think Teryan will be coming any time soon? We should be getting home before we’re caught staying out all night.” Cyndre attempted lifting himself from his decayed stool beneath him. His strength was diminished from the time-consuming wait for Teryan. At his attempt, Preo forged an appearance of disregard, simply continuing a solemn gaze into a rich pool of water.
“Well then?” Cyndre asked, “I’m taking the car home and if you’re not coming than I’m leaving without you!”. While walking, he prolonged a routine of peeping back and expected that he would see his brother behind him as he stepped toward his crimson car. However, Preo remained among his little depressed pier. And even after following through a process of checking his vehicle’s oil and tire pressure, Preo didn’t budge.
Like it? Hopefully the vocabulary didn't overwhelm you and them cause you to collapes and die, *Dies more*. So give me the feedback-y things and critisism-y things, okay? Okay, I insist, goodbye, *Dies*
- GO DEMYX AND LUXORD