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keyblade lord
07-04-2007, 04:06 AM
~chapter1~
" so what do you think"? said a man he had on a black couth,and a hood coverd his fach." i...i think i shod kill you now" said the outer boy he two was drest like the man befor."so... that... is what you whish ...then why dont you come at me you fol" said the man as he removed the hood. the outer boy got out a wepon it was a keyblade of darkness it had a whing shap to it. the boy ran at the man but just like that the man was behind him whit hes wepon. the boy fell to his knes and blood fell from his mouth. " you see boy...you can not kill me never...just get it thuor youer head." said the man " who...are you?" asked the boy in pain he was on the grond. " my name...is lord itachi... youer friend`s keyblade is what i whant his and the kings" said the man " why?" asked the boy" thay hold the true power of the kingdomhearts ony whit thos two can you save all worlds...or destry them and rule like the darke lord i am hahaha" said the man whit a evil gren." i-i wont let you!" said the boy. the man just looked at him for some time thin left whit out saying a thing.


"ah" said riku as he woke up."was it just a dream?" he asked him self thinking on how dume that was he got up and dresed him self to meet the outers it had ben ten years shen thay beat xamnes sora and kairi had shared a poupo frut and had ther vey first kid he was a boy. riku whent in to thare old hang out the secret plach of corsh now thar was nating secret abuth it thare he looked at the drewing he and sora did it broght back old memorys " so what is it riku" said a man as riku trend to see he he knew who it was "you w-what do you whant?" asked riku "hmp i whant a anser ...yes or no" "..." riku was frozen then a beam of light aperd riku cover his fach " come on riku" it was a short man or rat .. no it was the king.

keyblade lord
07-05-2007, 12:04 AM
~ chapter 2~

"what you agen" said the man as he looked a king mickey, he had his keyblade out and redy to fight. " so it was you lord itachi...what are you up to?" asked the king." hmp like you dont know...after all if it was not for me you whod be dead!"said lorde itachi as he to got out his wepen it was a katana. riku alose got out his keyblade." hey whats gowing oh.." "hm who are you and why is the king hear to?" asked sora. " well,well,well...it seams the hole team is present now we can begen bwhahahaha". " what the" asked sora as ther lil ilshad was torn to peachis . and heatless came out or what whare thay? hartless or nobodys or some tipe of monster.


What ever thay waer sora,riku and the king fouht them "ony 16 of them ha" said riku as thay killed the last one " hmp" lord itachi ran at them whit hes sword redy to kill sora doged his atack riku swong his keyblade but misend the king to had doged some atacks" riku lets do it" yealed sora as sora and riku jumped to the air" alls end" said sora "ends all" said riku as soras keyblade and rikus unleshed a stream of deadey atacks but lord itachi doged all of them,whit out a sweat. "so this is the beast you can do keyblade masters...what a pety now you DIE!!!" said lord itachi as he ran hiting riku and the king he was abouth to get sora whaen a blue skiend man whit a long sword came out of a black hole"lord itachi .. are leader whises to see us...all of us" he saud " wery well.. till next time" thay desaperd in to a potol.

" whats gowing on" sora asked " i shal teal you come whit me" said the king

so did you guys like it yes or no

Chaser's Apprentice
07-05-2007, 01:50 AM
Many things to improve on, overall? Grammatical and spelling errors abound, look at the disheveled paragraphs. You've failed to capitalize names, even misspelled many names, and even more words. You don't even describe where the stars of your chapters are. They could be in a vast desert or high upon the very face of a mountain. All I see is a monochrome black background. Be descriptive on how people are feeling. All I see are a bunch of quotes and actions you've decided to insert between. You even put two quotes together on the same line, "...well,well,well...it seams the hole team is present now we can begen bwhahahaha". " what the..." You've positioned two quotes together. Instead you enter before the second quote, even if the previous paragraph is only a sentence long, it doesn't matter...

"Xxxxxxxxxxx." Xxxxxxxxx
"Xxxxxxx, xxxxxx?"

Okay then? These few chapters need improvement, much improvement on lack of grammer, spelling, description, and it wouldn't hurt to improve your vocabulary, would it? ;) Keep trying.

<GO DEMYX, LUXORD, AND HAPPY FEET>

keyblade lord
07-05-2007, 04:01 AM
the thing is.. that i hav lots of good ideas but dont know how to spell and that is why no one reads my storyes.

Chaser's Apprentice
07-05-2007, 04:03 AM
Right then
Well I suggest using speel check, eh? ;)
And you use two periods instead of elipses, threee periods.
Two periods would in fact be a grammatical error, "...the thing is.."
Check out my first few paragraphs of my 440 page first book of my book series!
Christergery: Passage Shattering (Click Here) (http://www.kingdomhearts3.org/showthread.php?t=8248)

So here's where you critisze me! YAYZ! *Braces self.............To mouse trap*
<GO DEMYX, LUXORD, AND HAPPY FEET>