I'm deathly afraid that my only tie, the only thing keeping me coming on here everyday, is gone. For good. Because I don't want it to end. I want what we used to have again. It was the best. But now it's gone, down to just me, I feel, and I'm afraid to let go. Because I want it back. But I'm also afraid that I want to let go.
I love my mom. I do, because she is my mom. Even though I want her to not be around literally about 97% of the time (maybe more because I never actually want her around...guess the other 3% I just don't care?), she's still my mother who sung lullabies to me when I was tiny and read me books and helped me with homework and calmed my dad down when he was ragequitting sanity. I love her because she is my mom, but...nothing else, really. She has become too lazy to pay mind to my sister, she just wants to read and exist in her own world and not be tottered by any of our business. She yells at my dad when he asks her to pick my sister up from school for ONCE, or if we ask her to a movie with us, or to make dinner, because she's so "unappreciated" and no one understands her busy schedule and blahblah so she sits there and watches TV and reads and complains. I remember the night my dad mentioned we might need to take some money from her savings out to HELP PAY FOR A CLASS I'M TAKING, and she yelled she should just get up and leave. My little sister was in the room who thankfully didn't even hear. And I lost so much respect. I love her because she is my mom, and she has done things for us, and she has contributed good in my life -- but she's become horrid and reclusive and selfish. I pity my dad who tries to make her happy but that's practically impossible because she still "knows" she is unappreciated. And the disapproving look of everything I do, wear, say, believe...angers me. And so when I sneaked (why is snuck not a word lol) out, she couldn't believe I'd do something oh-so treacherous, and her solution is keeping me locked in until March 9, when I'm 18. Everyone else agrees a month is enough. But since I've deemed myself to be selfish and scummy in her eyes, let's trap me in like Rapunzel. I never set out ruin your life, Mom; I'm sorry taking care of my sister and washing my own clothes when you stopped washing mine and cleaning the house at least more than you ever did wasn't enough, I'm sorry I'm not a ***** or do drugs and get good grades but am still too short of perfect because I houseclean as badly as you do, I'm sorry I am on the Internet a lot, I'm sorry I sneaked to my girlfriend's house to watch TV until 9:30 and that just kills you. KILLS YOU. The fact that this house is always messy kills you more than anything, though -- I'm sorry your reasoning behind not doing anything about it is no one else will help and just trashes it up again, and so I'm sorry that when we all clean it anyway you still don't do anything. I'm sorry you can't realize that sometimes you're wrong, you're lazy, and you're human like the rest of us just trying to make it through the god damned day. I'm sorry that all I ever want is to be nothing like you.
You know I honestly feel like I grew up with you. The 18 year old self I was when I met you, she's nearly gone except for the scars that still carry over. You are literally the pristine symbol for hope in humanity I have. You're the reason I haven't completely given up. You've been there even you didn't need to be and you keep me going even when you don't know it, when you don't realize it. I do my best to show you in all the little ways I know how. When everything and every one else has let me down I know I have you and with all my fears/doubts/inner horrors--you never run away. You never shun me. You just remind me that there's a reason to get up in the morning, that there's a reason to be me. Because the person that I am, she's worthwhile even if she doesn't think so. You have the most important part of me with you, always. Thank you.
I hate a lot of things. I love my family, but I hate them with the intensity of the sun as well. I can't stand how my mom doesn't care to take care of us anymore, instead focusing on her Colombian lover. I can't stand how my sister is going out and sleeping with every guy she thinks is cute and getting drunk every night. I can't stand the way my brother is so rude to everyone even if his intentions are good. I just can't stand it. They don't listen, they're too focused on themselves, and they never spend any time with each other or me. I wish we could just go back in time to when Dad was alive and when we were a family. And I'm depressed. I'm so, so sad. Its overwhelming and I don't know what to do with it. Where will it lead? My mother has gotten me help at the local clinic with one of their Councillor's, but will that actually help? I have no idea what to expect. I can't even rely on my friends because I feel like I'm a burden, or I feel like they don't care. Its a known fact that they think I'm stupid just because I stumble over my words. I can see it in their eyes, and its hurtful. I can't talk to anyone, I'm on the verge of cutting again, and nothing seems to make me happy anymore when I get like this. I mean, I can act happy just fine, but... inside I don't feel so emotionally well. I can't help but wonder what's going to happen to me in the future.
Sometimes I really want to watch anime again. There are some stories I remember obsessing over when I was still a teenager and I miss that. Or maybe I miss the friends that I had where I would talk anime with them. But now I have little desire overall to watch anime AND I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO WHEN TWO OF MY ROOMMATES MOVE OUT
I really don't miss home at all. I don't want to go back for christmas even, I'll be so bored and so lonely, I mean my parents visited me yesterday and mostly it was just kind of awkward, I mean this my place, and normally I walk around like I belong here but I felt like a little kid trailing behind them. I know it sounds ridiculously grateful, I mean they supported me through school and college and I've never had to work, but I felt like such a scrounger. I'm doing alright on my own, I'm not blowing my loan on shoes and vodka, for the first time in my life I actually feel a little bit like an adult.
We don't say it as often as we used to. The real reason is probably our situation stabilizing, us having knowledge about it. Certain, absolute knowledge, which causes the repetition to be unneeded. But sometimes I freak out and say it just to see if you still say it back. (And you do.)